[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
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Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Encore…
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
do horses think humans are hats
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?