Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
japanese corn
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Planet of the Apps.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?