*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’