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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .