Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
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What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext