If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
You Might Also Like
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.