I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.