HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
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INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
what does he know…
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.