JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?