A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
It’s an epidemic…
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.