Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Barbie gone wild
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”