MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt