[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
getting groceries
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Optional boss fight.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if