“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
You Might Also Like
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone