Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
You Might Also Like
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”