EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
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[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Need WebMD
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.