Horrifying if literal: armchairs
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DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands