You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I only eat vegetarians.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
reviewed some movies recently
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry