Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
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Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!