A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
😬
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink