My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
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Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent