Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
girls literally only want one thing..
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet