[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
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Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.