She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
For the ones in the back.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.