“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Somebody’s lying.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies