Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
road rage
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really