A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
You Might Also Like
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.