sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Tremendous stuff
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.