[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.