I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
You Might Also Like
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Yes
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
work smarter, not harder
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂