Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I pray every night that I never become religious…