Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”