i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister