ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
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Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
sensitive skin
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.