people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”