My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
These work great until they don’t.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.