[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
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Never forget.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it