how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.