God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!