My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Breaking news:
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Help Wanted
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer