When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Hit me in the face with a bird
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Clients after you give them your rates
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
A friend sent me this.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.