My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.