Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual