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*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!