[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
classic mixup
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here