My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
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I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Thinking about Jeff
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off