Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
A friend sent me this.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me