wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.