[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Saturday
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.