Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
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*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.